…his SSI?
IIRC, that’s for someone too disabled to work. Since your bro owns a business that was making money, he probably didn’t qualify.
He imports and sells high purity metals to US companies, labs, universities. Because he hasn’t been working to get more business and several places stopped ordering or folded during the pandemic (or maybe asst didn’t respond to them?), he thinks he has just has one client left. I remember when they provided ~50% of his income and more since he became disabled.
SSI was a typo–just SS. He never applied for SS disability. He never had his own disability policy either. He wasn’t disabled till ~ age 65 anyway.
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alstroemeria: My husband took care of me for years when I had Lyme and we didn’t know what was wrong with me. He drove me to work fr a couple of years (I fell asleep in the car) and drove me home (ditto), then I crawled into bed and he fixed dinner or picked up takeout on the way home. He did all the housework for a few years. And he had a busy job (software engineer). Eventually I adjusted to having low energy and aches & pains and became more functional (drove myself, went shopping, dealt with the kids).
It’s obvious that you love your hubster, and that you and he have a great bond and that you are willing to do just about anything for him.
I would suggest that you help him move into an assisted living place - one where you can be with him. I know they exist here - not sure about SC. Maybe a “memory care” (euphemism for senility, ALZ or whatever). These can also allow a couple to continue to live together.
I had an aunt whose husband went ALZ, and she moved with him to a retirement home which did what I am suggesting here in CA. I recall that on a special anniversary (I think it may have been 50th) she wanted them to repeat their vows, and Uncle Hugh enjoyed it enormously. Bragged to anyone who would listen that he was getting married. (It sounds like that is out of the question for you guys.)
Of course I don’t know your situation well enough to be saying this, but it screams to me that he needs that help, and so do you. (((((Alstoremeria))))))
CNC
… We live in a CCRC which includes mental care, and if the need is there, we could do this.
… I looked up California’s laws on assisted suicide, and it is legal. Today I shared this with the Countess, as a pre-emptive, pre-need idea-planting act. I have cancer (bladder) and my treatment is going well, with a full recovery predicted, but I WILL NOT die of bladder cancer. So I wanted to be sure she knows my position on this. She nodded agreement.
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He is past assisted living. He cannot speak or understand English (or any other language). He doesn’t remember how to do much and needs more help than provided in assisted living. OTOH, unlike all but a couple of AL residents I’ve ever seen (and I’m very familiar with 3 facilities), he doesn’t need a walker. (Me neither!)
In memory care most folks have late-stage ALZ and need to eat something like baby food–often fed to them like a baby or even a feeding tube. One of the hubster’s pleasures left is eating good food. He can cut his meat, use chopsticks, twirl spaghetti/noodles. He likes variety, “ethnic” foods, and fresh produce. For breakfast he likes quiche, pancakes, something I make similar to an egg mcmuffin. In memory care, it’s pablum or powdered eggs. He’ll eat oatmeal but likes lots of craisins and nut butter stirred in. For dinner tonight we had baked salmon (just barely cooked through–it was juicy and perfect 
and stir-fried bok choy, shiitakes, pea pods, onion, garlic, soy sauce, sesame oil. Cleaned his plate. Never get that in MC, which is at best like nursing home food.
Back to the hubster…other than an atrophied brain, enlarged prostate, and mildly elevated BP, he’s in fine health. Organs other than brain excellent. No diabetes, no overweight, no statin, no nuthin’. He really wouldn’t fit in in memory care. Also, they have people do crafts and such–he’s never done a craft since elementary school. He can no longer do puzzles, models, play cards, or socialize.
He’s better off home with me, although I could use some more help.
We can afford IL or AL, but he doesn’t qualify. And MC is $10k+/month. Too expensive for us. That is, we could afford it for a few years, but he might live longer than that. And he likes walking around stores, banks, the post office, etc. Hde no longer watches tv. What would he do all day in MC??
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…One of the hubster’s pleasures left is eating good food…
At my dad’s CCRC, when a couple is in IL (Independent Living), they have a full kitchen (in addition to access to the facility’s shared DR), and if one needs AL or MC, aides will come to them, but there’s a very steep surcharge (because there’s no nurse’s station in that wing, so they need more staff to reach the IL rooms). So most split up, with the dementia resident moving to AL or MC, and the able resident visiting, from all day to not so much.
…we could afford it for a few years, but he might live longer than that…
Therein lies the catch.
He’s better off home with me, although I could use some more help.
I hope you get more help soon.
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In our 50s I had vaguely intended for us to move into IL in our mid-to-late 70s. I’m only 72 now (and we’re only a few months apart in age…that was my plan to avoid becoming a geezer’s nursemaid while I was still young enough to enjoy life 
IIRC average age in IL is 80+, and people typically move in in their mid-to-late 70s. I think this is something that confuses people who don’t know us–they assume DH is much older than me and has ALZ and other health problems and doesn’t remember who I am.
My aide’s main client (by number of hours/week) is in IL at my mom’s facility. 3d/wk Rhonda fixes her breakfast, lunch, and snacks, does the dishes, laundry, makes the bed, takes her places (medical appts, shopping), helps w/meds, but mostly serves as a companion (as do the other aides who together cover every day of the week from 9-3). She used to do this for the husband too, starting before they moved into IL, but he died a couple of weeks after they moved. They also had a personal chef to fix dinners before IL.
As soon as Rhonda’s daughter’s 104-yr-old client passes on (in hospice at home now), Rhonda will give her daughter her Friday stint in IL to make up some hours)-- and give me her Friday mornings as well as Mondays and sometimes Tuesdays (which are nominally for my brother but all hours not always needed–sometimes she just takes the hubster with her to run my brother’s errands or bring stuff to/from her RV or gas it up.). She’d like Friday afternoons to get an early start on the weekend.
My main desire for help is with his morning shower/washing up and dressing plus a few hours a week so I can accomplish things in the house unfettered and get out by myself. I don’t need help fixing meals or doing laundry or light housekeeping, tasks I still enjoy or at least don’t mind. Yeah, I;d also love to be able to fly to visit my DD & grandchldren in NY, my son in MA, and my BFF in KY. But like the Stones said, you can’t always get what you wa-ant.
OK, in an IDEAL world, I’ve have an aide from 4am or so–when he gets up to poo and is up for the day–to 1pm
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You should probably have a live-in. I know…$$$. But it would be more expensive if you break-down under your burdens, because then both of you would need aides.
You might also consider moving closer to one of your children…whichever one would be most willing to help. That might alleviate some of the need for an aide (though probably not all of it), and save you some money.
I don’t want to move up north with the snow & ice. I’d make an exception for NYC, but I can non longer afford to move there. Wish I’d bought a condo in the city during the recession when I considered it.
Live in? well…
If I were a rich man,
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum,
If I were a wealthy man!
I wouldn’t have to work hard,
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.
One of the hubster’s pleasures left is eating good food. He can cut his meat, use chopsticks, twirl spaghetti/noodles. He likes variety, “ethnic” foods, and fresh produce.
He’s better off home with me, although I could use some more help.
The food really is a BIG DEAL for a lot of people. My father loved food and it was one of the few pleasures he could continue once he was bedridden. When he was still ambulatory, his favorite outing was going to the grocery store. He enjoyed paging through the sale ads. He ordered expensive wild salmon, Omaha Steaks, specialty bratwurst, etc. His last few weeks on hospice he spent listening to cooking shows and shows about specialty restaurants.
Most of the employees in the neighborhood grocery store knew him and they would ask us about him when he was no longer able to get around.
One of the issues with his caregivers is that some were much better cooks than others. Dad enjoyed trying new things from the good cooks and insisted I cook him special lunches when he had bad cooks. One of the issues is that 3 of the ladies came from African countries and were not familiar with some of the foods he enjoyed. He asked one of them to make him a liverwurst sandwich. She dug through the refrigerator and could not find the liverwurst. My father called me and scolded me for not getting everything on his grocery list. Of course, we had bought him braunschweiger which is basically the same thing.
Alstroemeria – I love reading all of the menus you feed the hubster – tasty, healthy, mostly low carb – definitely better than he would get in a facility
Please get more help soon. You are going to burn yourself out. Hubster is healthy and you may be taking care of him for a long time.
HHP
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My mother (age 96 and lives in the nursing home wing of her CCRC) has 2 complaints: her painful feet and the facility’s food. She found the food in their AL dining room to be on average OK–some things very good, others not so much. One of the problems being we’re NYers living down South. While I at least love Southern food, I would miss Asian, Italian, Middle Eastern if I didn’t fix it myself. Planning on ma-po tofu (spicy tofu w/ground pork) and broccoli for dinner. Anyhow Mom complains of the inauthenticity of their Italian dishes(!). And wishes they’d provide dishes like from her fave Thai & Chinese joints. Not to mention bagel & lox And she’d love to get more seafood.
About live-in care for the hubster… about 90% of the time, I’m doing what I want–reading, listening to podcasts or music, watching a movie, grocery shopping, cooking. What I’d be doing if her were in a facility or had live-in help. About 5% of the time I miss going on nature & beach walks and not having a leech along for some errands and appointments. About 5% of the time, he’s annoying. WHen he’s cooperative with showering, dressing, toileting, etc, I don’t mind doing it at all–it really does feel like expressing my love. But when I have to shove him into the shower with his shirt still on (this morning), not so fun. At least I gave him a good hair wash & bum wash. Lack of sleep not so good, but I;'ve adjusted just like I did to Chronic Lyme and balance issues.
Interestingly, the more I have to do for him, even when it’s a physical struggle (like not cooperating when I remove his pants or put on his sandals), the stronger I get. Free fitness sessions! But wait, there’s more! My wrist has been painful in certain positions lately (old injury from when I took care of my mother after she broke her hip). This morning I dragged him to the shower by that hand–and apparently fixed whatever was wrong in my wrist. Can’t wait to see how it feels when doing cat-cows and online jigsaw puzzles next
It’s 78 degrees and lovely out.) If we didn’t have PT coming in an hour, I’d take him down to one of our fave harbor walks (Charleston Harbor is big so there are a few). He already got to walk around Whole Foods this morning to catch sales on desirable veggies, ground beef, chicken thighs, and Seventh Generation products. Plus I took out our lunch from the deli dept: entree + 2 sides for $10. Meant to serve one but it’s enough lunch for the two of us geezers (chicken scallopini, cider-roasted brussels sprouts, and broccoli crunch salad).
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If I were a rich man,
Would an updated take on this classic be appropriate? Of course it would! And it’s gender appropriate for your situation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78V4tJwcc1A
–Peter
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“And she’d love to get more seafood.”
Shrimp & grits!
or
Grits & shrimp?
Howie52
I miss crab cakes, steamed crabs and such - grilled fish is rather harder to come by as it
seems that breaded and fried is the preference in the south.
We grill and bake fish at home for the most part - but there are local Thai and Chinese
restaurants that are excellent - Greek and Italian as well - but restaurants tend to go
through cycles - likely based upon ownership or cooks or general help. The “home-cooked”
meals I make are “hit and miss” - mostly miss - as per DW and YS.
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Shrimp and grits were served occasionally in Mom’s AL. I don’t think she’s had them in the SN wing, but I’m getting kinda forgetful and she doesn’t tell me everything anyway.
Try frozen Phillips Maryland Style Crab Cakes. Costco carries them. I’ve seen them elsewhere…Harris Teeter maybe. I fix them occasionally over salad for lunch or with cooked veg for dinner.
ASIDE
Every time I make ma-po tofu, I wonder why I don’t do it more often. It’s easy and delicious.
Every time I make ma-po tofu, I wonder why I don’t do it more often. It’s easy and delicious.
Could you share the recipe?
=sheila
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MA-PO TOFU
Mince or grate 2-3 Tbsp ginger root.
Mince or press 3 large cloves garlic.
Cut up a block of tofu (anything from silken to firm, whatever you like) into small bite-size pieces.
Heat 3 Tbsp sesame oil (chili oil if you want it really hot, which is more authentic than what I do) in a wok or saucepan (I use my small Le Creuset pot), toss in ginger & garlic and stir a couple of times. Grind in some szechuan peppercorns.
After a minute, add 1/2 lb ground pork. Break up and stir a while. Add more szechuan pepper.
When pork’s about done, stir in 1-2 Tbsp black bean paste.
After a minute or 2, add 3/4+ cup chicken broth, depending on how saucy you want it (more liquid for serving over rice, for example).
When done, stir in 3 chopped chopped scallions and grind/shake in szechuan pepper to taste and turn off the heat.
I;m sure it’s supposed to serve 4, but we ate almost all of it–yum!
Thanks for that mapu-tofu recipe!
In terms of either sesame oil vs chili oil if you want it really hot——what about combining them? Add zest without too much heat.
Re the scallions—chop up the bulbs and the greens, or just the bulbs?
=sheila
forgot to include a step: add the tofu with the chicken broth!
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I use the whole scallion–but if you prefer just the white or just the green, go ahead.
BTW, in reality, I don’t measure anything. In dishes like this, that doesn’t matter. If you like more heat–add it in whatever form you prefer. I don’t keep hot chili oil around any more so I sprinkled a little togirashi (Japanese dried hot pepper mixed with dried orange peel and sesame seeds) on my portion. I’m not sure if DH’s esophageal erosion is fully healed or he might develop another one so I make food less spicy-hot than I used to for him (and for me).
I have a little left over and might fix the hubster a bowl of soup for lunch by adding chicken broth, some shredded napa and a sliced mushroom, and a little soba or ramen.