Help Wanted

Me and my Skunk Works team, comprised mostly of my Landscape Foreman and myself on rainy days, have been working on the Never Erring Electric Stock Barometer or NEESB as we have code named it. More formally: The Top Secret Never Erring Electric Stock Barometer Project. Imagine this:

A software program designed to interact with mission critical variables which are then fed into a specially designed and meticulously crafted NEESB Hardware System which then provides you with the exact direction any given stock will take over the trading day. I know…unbelievable. And yet…we at Champico Industries have made remarkable progress on just such an invention.

Sure…just now it looks like an old time two slice toaster duct taped to a coffee pot with a port to link your smart phone. But once we get it down pat we will replace the toaster and coffee pot with a sleek, modern housing just like one of those fancy pants Apple products. Even in this primitive state we have managed to get the thing to work, especially the toaster - so we’re making progress. But we need help.

We managed to bridge the gap between a weather Barometer and the NEESB design by eliminating the need for mercury. We engineered this by using equal parts of Coors Light, Samuel Adams, Corona Extra, and Tecate Original. Even then we got nothing…until, we trooped off to a local grocery and purchased some Dry Ice. By placing an exact amount of Dry Ice into the Coffee Pot at the critical moment in the process - we began to see the ESB come to life. Well…Dry Ice and a shot of Tequila. But…as I mentioned, we have ran into a development problem. Two problems actually and are seeking help to finalize this life changing investment device.

Before I get to that I want to provide potential investors with some reasonable numbers to think about. If we can get the NEESB up and running - and in one of those sleek, modern Apple Life packages, the base cost will be well over $250,000 per NEESB. We are going to market NEESBs under the same plan that they use to sell those DaVinci Surgical thingys. Every Broker and every Brokerage will want one. Shoot…Goldman alone will probably order several hundred. Sadly…due to the immense cost and technical expertise needed in operating an NEESB we have no plans for a budget NEESB for individual retail investors at this time. Perhaps in the future with a single serve. I dunno.

And then there is training program and the replacement pods needed continuously per stock evaluated. (Note: these look just like the little plastic coffee pods you put into your coffee maker except they will be pre-filled with the secret NEESB Actionable Formula. Pod Resales alone will probably generate millions. But - as I mentioned, we now have two specific hurdles to overcome as follows:

Until we get this durn thing out of Beta we need cases and cases of beer in each of the brands we listed above. Probably some pizza also - you can’t expect to develop life changing inventions on an empty stomach…now can you? So any help with those items will be rewarded once we have sold the first hundred or so NEESBs. Don’t worry…we’ll keep a list.

Secondly…Try as we might we can’t figure out a Software program that will accurately predict the exact direction any given stock might take once the data and pods are loaded into the NEESB. And that is a pretty dang important end result for the world’s first NEESB doncha think? So…if you understand the power of horoscopes, the intricacies of reverse Fibonacci dynamics, along with the various aspects of symbiotic relationships between interconnecting product cycles and consumer dynamics - AND, can take a couple of weeks to design a program that will predict individual stock movement on a daily basis - then please get in touch. While we can’t actually pay you - however we do anticipate having all the beer and pizza you might want.

ALL the Best,


While we can’t actually pay you - however we do anticipate having all the beer and pizza you might want.

Is this the Champico Industries’ version of options based compensation? I’m in.

I haven’t a lick of software development knowledge or experience, so i think i am unusually qualified for this job. I’ll see you next Monday at approximately 11:57 a.m. EST, take lunch at 12 (or 12:01 bc I am extremely dedicated), and check in with the office by phone around 4:38 p.m. after bowling and before the movie.

Please see attached c.v. (my references for beer and pizza consumption capacity are impeccable).




Hi Bill:

You sound like or kind of a guy! Have you had government experience perhaps working at a local DMV office or maybe an Appraisal District? You just can’t beat that type of background work.

Don’t worry about the software development aspect - we’ll start you off on an Etch-A-Sketch.

All the Best,