With respect, he’s not “him” anymore. Who knows what will grab his attention now. Well, evidently wood grain is one thing. A toddler’s toy may intrigue him for a while.
Though an atrophied brain is different than an immature brain, even if it exhibits similar characteristics. The immature brain seems to crave learning. Try some Loony Tunes. Just spit-ballin’, here…
As for bypassing the Depends…if he does that consistently, then don’t waste your money. They don’t appear to be doing you any good. You’d have to restrain him somehow to prevent bypass. Not sure that even would be legal outside a hospital/care setting.
Probably not hospice (though it was a good idea). He is still able to feed himself? If you get enough ADLs listed, he should qualify for some elevated level of care.
Really, an attorney that specializes in this in YOUR locale would probably be more helpful than all us well-meaning folks. We’re free, but you get what you pay for.
In a facility they’d drug him sleepy and restrain him in a wheelchair to prevent him from wandering all over and lying on the floor in random places. There’s a reason so many people are in that state in nursing homes/MC wards.
He needs the Depends as he sometimes wets them a bit lately before getting them out of the way to pee. He’s forgetting there’s no fly and I sometimes need to whip it out for him. Also the sound of fiddling with Depends alerts me to what’s about to happen when I’m not looking right at him.
Speaking of sleepy, he’s now up to 3 trazodone, but still wakes up 2-3 times a night (I missed the hyphen and typed 203–sometimes it feels that way!). I obviously missed waking up one time 2 nights ago as the next morning I stepped on one of the bathroom mats barefoot and found it was wet w/pee. At least every other day I need to launder something due to pee…shorts, bathroom mat, handy towel I tossed on a puddle…
Last night he woke me ~11pm, 2 am, and 6:15am. I guess the last one doesn’t count as night-waking But it woke me up. He’s in one of our closets at the moment. Not worried as he just peed in the bucket.
He can more or less feed himself (he needs help sometimes to eat more than a few bites). And he won’t drink unless you physically put a cup in his hand. Even then, just a small sip, and not always even that. He needs enough help to qualify for LTCI–if we had it (most policies only pay enough for AL, if that. Several people I know told me that LTCI didn’t work out for their parents and advised against it. I shouldn’t have listened, but I did.)
Apparently things don’t work out in our situation the way they do for some, or so the attorney told me. If we divorced, I’d actually be in worse shape financially than I am now. That works better for people who are upper middle class, which I am not.
He needs enough help to qualify for LTCI–if we had it (most policies only pay enough for AL, if that. Several people I know told me that LTCI didn’t work out for their parents and advised against it. I shouldn’t have listened, but I did.)
Yes, your dear hubster does need help with most activities of daily living and many LTC policies help with exactly that. I got a policy about 2.5 years ago that covers assisted living, nursing home and memory care facilities with $80/day going for in-home help. At that time it would cover $6k/month with the 5% increase yearly and carry over of what wasn’t used. I have another policy (in tandem with the first one) that covers only in-home help since that is what about 75-80% of folks need. The vast majority do not going into a nursing home but want and need help in their home. Both policies have a 5% increase in benefits without an increase in monthly pricing. The second policy for in-home help paid about $1000/week at the time I got the contracts. The wonderful thing is that what isn’t used carries over. In-home help could be a home cleaning company/person, driving to appointments or grocery, cooking, laundry … really you name it.
The crazy thing is that both of my parents were teachers in California and there was an option to get LTC for them and their children (my sister and I) could have gotten policies for ourselves as well. Did they take advantage of that? Heck no. My dad told me he didn’t know about it but I imagine it slipped his mind. I am sure his teacher union told him of the option. My mother was the one who handled all of the bills but she didn’t get it either and she worked at Cal State LA! They both loved getting wined and dined with come-ons by trust lawyers, LTC providers and time shares. They got a very bad deal from Penn Treaty which was their LTC company and the business had financial issues. I was the one that had to get them out of the trust lawyer yearly fees and the 3 time shares they had. The maintenance expenses were killers.
I am sorry that you did not get a policy and followed what your friends said instead of contacting different companies. I am sure that you might be paying way more for the in-home help that you have than the cost of a policy or policies.
You are a very tenacious and caring woman and I know that you are a blessing even though he isn’t able to let you know that.
Hospice sure is available and many folks who receive their services graduate out if there is improvement. People automatically assume that you must be near death to get this help but that is not the case.
Mrs. Goofy did volunteer hospice for a couple years (ended with the pandemic) and it was a requirement that a doctor certify that the patient be within 6 months of death. Of course nothing is quite that certain, but at least here it required a doctor certification, and “imminent death” was the only valid reason.
Re the friends who advised against LTCI…one couple died in their 80s needing help only for the last few months each. One couple in their 70s, no problems (yet-). Another woman cared for by a son & DIL for a couple of years in their home before hospice & death. So, so far they were right–for themselves. There is no dementia as far as we know in either of our families. My parents had no LTCI nor advised us to get it. My father needed hospice for 6 weeks–mom could’ve used help with him a couple of months sooner (children & grandchildren took turns visiting during the end-game to help–I begged mom to hire help or get hospice sooner). My mother has no LTCI, but her SS, company profit-sharing invested as an IRA when she retired, and the sale of her house, are enough to pay for for AL (my parents didn’t save anything). Rather short-funded for the nursing home, but in her mid-90s, shouldn’t outlive her stash.
Mrs. Goofy did volunteer hospice for a couple years (ended with the pandemic) and it was a requirement that a doctor certify that the patient be within 6 months of death. Of course nothing is quite that certain, but at least here it required a doctor certification, and “imminent death” was the only valid reason.
My FIL was sent home on Hospice. He died three years later.
(He always was an inconsiderate SOB.)
I suppose it’s too late for me to buy some sort of LTCI for myself (I turn 73 this year)?
No, not too late. More costly? Yes. However, if you work with a broker that represents several companies then you can work out a custom policy that fits in your budget and can take the sting out of you needing help at home or other facilities. The average person that is in a nursing home is there around 2 1/2-3 years. As I said before you could get a policy strictly for home help if a policy for assisted living, nursing home or memory care is out of reach. At least you’d know that you will be able to have help at home for quite a while. If you would like a referral of the man I used I would be glad to share that info with you. Whatever you do please make sure that the representative handles more than one company so that you can figure out the best plan for yourself.
I got my policy because I know that I will not ask my children to either come live with me nor ask to live with them while they provide me with all the care I need even if my health worsens. The fact that I could do that for my dad was the exception. My sister lived 45 minutes from him and just visiting him twice a week was too much for her. I was grateful to be able to care for him right up to the end but, to be honest, I was looking into a nursing home for him. The hard part was that both my parents didn’t want to go into a nursing home but I was a zombie by the time my dad died. At that point my health was suffering and I had some physical injuries to my wrists, shoulders and hips from trying to lug around a 200-pound man.
At that point my health was suffering and I had some physical injuries to my wrists, shoulders and hips from trying to lug around a 200-pound man.
At least the hubster only weighs ~140, but I have injuries mostly dating from hefting mom’s and bro’s wheelchairs into & out of my car becasue they preferred me to take them on appts rather than their AL joints . As DH becomes more work, it exacerbates the injuries. One reason I have 20-25 hrs/week of help. I’m getting pretty weary of having to put on his Depends and pants multiple times a day coz he takes them off–and sometimes puts them back on incorrectly. I count on them being on so I have time to catch him before he pees on the floor…usually. On average I clean up one floor pee per day. Yesterday he aimed for the threshold between the guest bath and hall.
He woke me about midnight, then got up again at 1am. I think he might need to poo but can’t. 15mg olanzapine/day means constipation despite a pretty anti-constipation diet.
What he ate yesterday…
BR–raisin bran w/almond milk, prune juice, coffee
snack–1/2 cup black cherry yogurt
LU–hummus & raw veggies in a flour tortilla, strawberries
snack–1/2 cup pineapple-kale smoothie
DN–roasted sweet potato, brussels sprouts and onion with black beans & pumpkin seeds and chipotle chili sauce, small SO Delicious coconut ice cream sandwich, 1/2 La Croix tangerine soda
1poormom has LTCI, and it’s helping A LOT. The policy is worth north of $150K. In addition to her savings, we are able to keep her someplace nice. Not ultra-fancy, but nice. So, in her case, it paid off.
Insurance is one of those things you don’t want to have to use. Auto, home, LTC. But if you need it, it’s a good thing.
In a facility they’d drug him sleepy and restrain him in a wheelchair to prevent him from wandering all over and lying on the floor in random places. There’s a reason so many people are in that state in nursing homes/MC wards.
I can’t know for certain, but he likely wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Dementia robs people of the ability to understand. It’s horrible to contemplate for a person with their marbles. But (based on your description) he doesn’t have any left.
I know it sounds bad, but I hope 1poormom reaches her expiration date before her mind totally goes. Having her in memory care is horrible to contemplate, too. Not a decision I want to make if I can avoid it.
Also the sound of fiddling with Depends alerts me to what’s about to happen when I’m not looking right at him.
Potentially useful. Assuming you’re in a position to react. Given the number of times he’s let-loose, you’re not always in that position. Which is totally understandable…following him around with a bucket all day is no way to live, and pretty impractical.
I don’t follow him around the house with a bucket! Only when I see him about to pee on the floor do I grab the nearest container and rush over to him. I always take him to the toilet if he can possibly make it. He can only get as far as the toilet in the night about 1/2 the time, so bucket is mostly for night-time. He hasn’t peed in the den wastebucket for about a week IIRC. The aides always get him to the toilet, but they’re paid to have eyes on him every moment and have nothing else to do (except Monday aide puts fitted mattress pad and sheet on the bed after I launder them). I fix meals & snacks–unless I’m not home, in which case I leave something that I’ve fixed or suggest a frozen entree.
huh! Almost every morning when an aide is here, he sleeps most of the morning after breakfast. No aide today–no sleep today =8-0
I took him to the bathroom 4 or 5 times since breakfast–no luck. I think he needs to poo. He removed his Depends and shorts 3x. One time he wouldn’t let me put them back on. When he does it himself, he usually does it wrong. But one advantage to letting him do it himself is that it keeps him busy for 10-20 minutes. I finally got fresh Depends on him while he was seated, and he fell asleep with them on his thighs, but only slept for 5 or 10 minutes. (Yes, I keep a waterproof pad on his recliner!) I got overheated and turned the thermostat down to 75.
Anyhow, I can’t keep eyes on him every minute because I need to shower/wash up, dress, do dishes, make the bed, run laundry, vacuum, water outdoor herbs, talk/text, read… I still try to keep ears & eyes aware of him as much as possible.
Apropos of nothing, I had 2 leftover pork chops and decided to make fried rice. I thawed my last container of leftover Chinese restaurant rice from the last takeout, meanwhile chopped the pork and some veg (pea pods, baby bok choy, scallions, sauteed everything in sesame oil with pressed garlic, and added 3 scrambled eggs, some soy sauce and 5-spice powder. It’s better than most restaurant fried rice even though I didn’t have Chinese BBQ pork. There’s enough left for the hubster to have another lunch or 2.
He is a comedian, but I saw an actual chef reacting to this video, and the pro chef said the comedian got it right. The character is an Asian uncle who criticizes everything. Which isn’t far from the truth (e.g. 1poorlady had some Asian uncles…).
He also apparently is friends with a Michelin Star chef, and had her cook her version. If ever I get to London, I’m going to have to find her place (Mei Mei). Her nasi lemak looked really good.
For me, the purpose of fried rice is to use up leftover protein and also veggies that need to be cooked asap (my pea pods & scallion qualified on that score-). It’s not a side dish for us, it’s a one-pan meal. So I start with leftover meat, or thaw some frozen shrimp or fry some diced tofu. I don’t like peas and carrots often found in restaurant fried rice. Pea pods, a member of the cabbage family, and a couple of members of the onion family work for me.
Now I have no leftover Chinese rice. Time for takeout?! Our joint has gone downhill, but their spare ribs and fried wings are still outta sight, as is their hunan shrimp and garlic broccoli.
=asltro, fondly remembering the wor shu op of my youth
You don’t cook your own rice? It’s fairly simple. The “finger” method for water works really well, even though peoples’ fingers are different. I used to measure, but now just use the finger method.
Robyn — would the agent you worked with be able to help people (ie, me) in other parts of the country? I don’t know if the approach to creating the most helpful LTC policy is the same regardless of where one lives, or not.
My husband and I had looked around for a policy years ago, and chose an agent we had learned about through his employer (NYU Medical Center). I had actually preferred another agent, but my husband felt so strongly about this guy that I went along with it. The policy we each arranged for covered whatever we would need at home or in a residence or nursing home setting, and it was roughly $3000 a year—at that time. For a while there were minimal price increases, and then they began to increase more and more steeply. Before we knew it we were each paying about $10,000 a year. After my husband’s leg salvage surgery, my life was so insane between the intense demands of his disability and therapy—including severe sleep issues that affected me as well—and my work demands, that I ended up falling behind in paying for that year, and discovered it was too late to maintain the policy. In a way, it felt liberating not to have to pay that $10,000 every year. And my husband ended up doing the same thing about 2 years ago, I discovered. (He is normally prompt as can be in paying bills.) So now we don’t have anything, and I’m sorry for the years that we paid—for what is now nothing. I knew that it had become far more difficult and costly to find coverage, but your experience sounds encouraging.=sheila
maloishi: Now I have no leftover Chinese rice. Time for takeout?! Our joint has gone downhill, but their spare ribs and fried wings are still outta sight, as is their hunan shrimp and garlic broccoli.
=asltro, fondly remembering the wor shu op of my youth
My ex who was of the Cantonese persuasion (American born - Cantonese parents) taught me how to make rice Cantonese style. I like her style … actually it’s like (most) Chinese restaurants.
But it woke me up. He’s in one of our closets at the moment. Not worried as he just peed in the bucket.