new aide is super-good :-)

She can cajole the hubster into a shave, shower, toothbrushing, using the toilet, taking a walk in the neighborhood, no matter his mood. She prefers to shower him in the guest bath, which has a standard tub, shower curtain, and hand-held shower.

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This is pretty spectacular news!

=sheila

Especially since my original aide is going to work for my brother a second day (because he refuses to go into his office so she’s dealing with his office stuff, too!). So her daughter, who has been giving me 2 mornings/week, is picking up Wednesday for her mother with another client (a very easy one at that–she wants companionship and someone to fix meals and take her on appts) and will only work for me on Fridays instead of Wed & Fri starting next week :frowning: She’s the most gung-ho to take the hubster for a walk even though it’s difficult, so that is a blow. So Shaina, my new aide, will come T, W, Th. This is more expensive for me as she arrives at 8am, when the hubster is usually asleep after breakfast so I’m paying for an hour for nothing usually. sigh. Anyhow, I know I’m lucky to hit the jackpot 3 out of 3. I haven’t had the experience of an aide that doesn’t work out from my perspective–critical as he’s quite difficult. What he has going for him is he only weighs about 140 lbs. But he’s a drag to to toilet, shower, etc. (Which is why I want help 5 mornings/week!).

He peed on the bedding (on purpose) at 3:30am. I just washed the bedding 2 days ago, but had to do it again today. Except for the pillow cases .

We went to the grocery, and a next-door store was going out of business. It was what I call a “junk shop”. They have a few items of food, knick-knacks, rugs, bedding, some pans, etc. Long story short, among the bedding they had was water-proof mattress protectors.

And it occurred to me…I assume you have some of those? You’ve never talked about having to deal with the mattress.

There are also pee-pads…maybe you could put one on his side, above the sheets. If he hits that, you may only have to wash the pad instead of the sheets. Sorta like this one:

https://www.amazon.com/Waterproof-Washable-Underpad-Protecto…

(Just an example…not pushing this product in any way.)

Alstro does use a pee pad on Hubster’s side but I, personlly, think a complete waterproof mattress protector (maybe get 2?) is more in order. Maybe a pillow protector will be in order as well.

She said that hubster purposely peed on the sheets last night so I am guessing even more of the same will be routine.

Thanks for thinking of her and sharing.

Robyn

Alstro does use a pee pad on Hubster’s side but I, personlly, think a complete waterproof mattress protector (maybe get 2?) is more in order.

I have used those on our beds for years. Started with one on our son’s bed as we went though potty training. Then when DW started having continence issues, put them on our bed as well. And I definitely have two for each bed. Middle of the night changes are much easier when you can pull off everything and put on fresh. Then deal with the laundry in the morning.

They also help with general cleanliness of the mattress. No more sweat spreading through to the mattress. So even though our son hasn’t had an overnight accident in years and my wife is no longer with us, the mattress pads stay.

Got ours from Walmart. They’re not noisy or scratchy like pure plastic protectors. They are quilted and comfortable. You don’t really know they are there.

I recommend them for everyone, not just those dealing with issues. I consider them relatively cheap (maybe $50 or so) protection for an expensive mattress.

–Peter

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I use a mattress protector on his side, but it’s under everything, even the cushiony mattress pad. It’s one of those intended to go across the middle of the bed, I just put it on lengthwise on his side instead of crosswise across the while bed. I bought it to use as intended, but I couldn’t stand sleeping on it–it made me hot, plus flannel and brushed cotton nightgowns/pj’s cling to it, making it more awkward to roll over–which I do a lot of as I have to bad discs in a row in my lower back (since working as a nurse’s aide during college) so staying in one position for too long causes pain.

Last night I added a 3x5 pad flannel waterproof pad on top of the fitted sheet on his side (so if he pees on the bed again, I’d just have to wash the quilt and top sheet, not also the bottom sheet and mattress pad like I did yesterday). After he spent a few hours asleep on the bathroom floor last night (also peed on the mat in front of my sink-), when he came to bed he ended up using that protector as another blanket. But after he got up a few minutes ago to pee, he did lie back down on top of it.

Remember that he not only can’t understand English, he can’t figure much out either, so he doesn’t understand what it’s for. Heck, he occasionally forgets how to use silverware and just uses his fingers. And often takes the waterproof seat protectors off the chairs he typically uses (he has turned around and peed onto them–only once has he actually peed onto an unprotected chair…alas, it was an upholstered dining room chair).

It’s often hard to get him to use a toilet or even pee in a bucket, and he still rarely pees in his Depends (usually when he can’t remember how to pull himself out of the Depends–he forgets there’s no fly and can’t remember to pull it down from the top). I bought a couple of urinals (like the ones sued in a hospital, bt better made with smooth plastic aruond the opening to prevent hurting. He won;t use them (so far).

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I refuse to remake the entire bed in the middle of the night as getting a fitted mattress pad and fitted sheet onto my bed is physical painful for me–I leave that for aides. I note that you’re 60(?). I’m almost 73. Big difference.

If he wets the bed, no matter what time of night, we move to our recliners in the den. He has no trouble sleeping in it–he naps there in the daytime. And I’m so fully awakened by the experience, I won’t get back to sleep for an houru or two anyway and need to plug in my laptop (power supply is expensive and I have just one, in the den next to my recliner).

We could sleep in the guest bed, but I prefer not to confuse him. The last time we slept in that room was after we had the ducts above the masted BR cleaned (mold). The smell of the disinfectant stuffed me up, and I couldn’t sleep in our bedroom for a month. That was 8-10 years ago when he was still compos mentis.

I should add I don’t care about our mattress. It’s 20 years old and is overdue for replacing (yes, I turned it around–didn’t help). Alas, the mattress store where I bought it closed. I loathe the idea of buying a mattress online that I haven’t tried in person.

=princess (and the pea)

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Who would ever have thought that pee control—and lack of it—would come to dominate your life!

Your recountings made me think back to the experiences we had with my dad. Midway through his Alzheimer’s progression, we had 2 difficult pee periods, but not nearly as intense. And both were due to my mother’s infantile concern with her self-image. My mother the psychotherapist couldn’t bear the thought of the world seeing that she was married to a guy who was wearing diapers. So she refused them for him as long as she could, until nighttime accidents both in bed and on the way to the bathroom—both of which infuriated her, and she beat him with a towel after the time she stepped into his huge pee puddle by her side of the bed—became too frequent. So then he began wearing Depends. Great. And the aide would change them. Great until…he heard her talking to someone on the phone, and heard her say in a voice filled with derision: “He’s wearing diapers now—like a <i<baby!” So he pulled his pants down and ripped the Depends off, insisting he as NOT a baby. And it was a while—and many miserable accidents (in his clothes during the day, and in bed or on the floor at night) before he finally forgot what she had said, and accepted the Depends again.

=sheila

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Suspenders?

Put suspenders on the Depends. I know it sounds silly, but if he can’t figure out how to remove them that might accomplish what you need (i.e unable to remove Depends, so has to pee in-situ).

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The mattress will trap odors, though I understand urine is pretty sterile. So probably not much concern there.

I would put the waterproof thing on top, at least for his side. That should minimize issues. I know they make disposable pads for this, too. I’ve seen them in hospitals. Sort of a Depends for the bed (or a really big menstrual pad for the bed). If it gets wet, just toss it and replace it.

Maybe you could replace your mattress with a pair of mattresses on a single box spring; his and hers. Then if he messes his side, it doesn’t really affect you. I know I’ve seen that arrangement before. Looks like an ordinary king, but is really two smaller ones (maybe 3/4?).

1poorguy (too hot for quilts…we’re sleeping with A/C, a fan, and a single top sheet…no blankets or quilts)

Suspenders?

Wow—what a great suggestion!

=sheila

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It’s called a “split king”. Though I mostly find advertisements for them. This one is at least informative.

https://casper.com/blog/what-is-a-split-king-bed/

Though they split both mattress and box. I was thinking of a single box with split mattresses on top. Maybe they don’t make that anymore?

I refuse to remake the entire bed in the middle of the night as getting a fitted mattress pad and fitted sheet onto my bed is physical painful for me–I leave that for aides. I note that you’re 60(?). I’m almost 73. Big difference.

You’ve mentioned this before. I’m sorry, I forgot it.

To be completely correct, I’m 61. I probably need the reminder that when I’m 73, I will look back fondly on how much I could do when I was in my early 60s. I already look back at my 50s and what I could do then. :wink:

–Peter <== using the hoyer lift on his son more frequently these days.

So she refused them for him as long as she could

I kind of understand this, although I had the opposite fear–that he’d refuse to wear them. And then paradoxically sad how easily he accepted them.

The first time I slept next to my husband in his Depends, I cried. Not because of my self-image(!), or his acceptance, but because dementia was robbing both of us of our lives and marriage.

until nighttime accidents both in bed and on the way to the bathroom—both of which infuriated her, and she beat him with a towel after the time she stepped into his huge pee puddle by her side of the bed

I so understand this, too. I try to restrict myself to swearing at him.

Put suspenders on the Depends.

Heh. He’d remove them. Also he occasionally pees through a leg hole.

The mattress will trap odors, though I understand urine is pretty sterile. So probably not much concern there.

Nothing has ever gotten onto the mattress–except for some coffee I spilled years ago. And I suspect urine is sterile when it exits the body but that some bugs will grow in it afterwards.

I would put the waterproof thing on top, at least for his side.

I’ll see if I can make that work.

I know they make disposable pads for this, too. I’ve seen them in hospitals. Sort of a Depends for the bed (or a really big menstrual pad for the bed). If it gets wet, just toss it and replace it.

I have them. They’d fall off the bed–he moves around and gets in & out. He doesn’t understand what they’re for and fiddles with them.

Maybe you could replace your mattress with a pair of mattresses on a single box spring

Platform bed; queen-size–not room for 2 mattresses. Not buying a king.

Then if he messes his side, it doesn’t really affect you.

Huh? I’m not letting him sleep in peed-on bedding.

PS–my quilt is thin–in winter I add a blanket under it. I need to breathe cold air (I get cloggy easily), so I’m cold even in summer without the quilt.

The first time I slept next to my husband in his Depends, I cried. Not because of my self-image(!), or his acceptance, but because dementia was robbing both of us of our lives and marriage.

I think this is the cruelest aspect of all. And your experience brings tears to my eyes.

she beat him with a towel after the time she stepped into his huge pee puddle by her side of the bed

I so understand this, too. I try to restrict myself to swearing at him.

That is totally understandable. And you were aware of-and successful with—the need for restraint. Living with a spouse with dementia, angers are inevitable. And so is expressing them in a very restrained way from time to time, as you’ve experienced.

My mother beat him with her fists at other times. Beat him with an umbrella once while waiting in a doctor’s office, and were told never ever to return there. She left her handprint on my brother and me too many times to count—until I got strong enough and my arms were long enough so that I could hold her off.

((((Alstro))))

=sheila

I try to restrict myself to swearing at him.

Yep. Been there. Done that. Do we need t-shirts?

I never really understood how hard caregiving can be on the caregiver until I had to do it.

And I still sometimes feel a twinge of guilt at seeing how much easier caregiving is for just one instead of two. I always figured that relief would come by getting my son into a group home or something similar. I never thought it would be from losing my wife.

Don’t worry, the twinge goes away when I think of how much better off my wife is now. She’s no longer in pain, she can hear again, and I like to think of her enjoying her childhood again with her parents and brother. They are all re-united again, as she was the last of the four to leave this mortal coil. Those were much simpler times for all of them.

–Peter

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