OT: Dreams

This is a bit off-topic, but here goes.

So ever since my wife passed away, when I have a dream about her its always back in the hospital, watching her final moments. Needless to say, this is something I don’t particularly want to re-live. I don’t have these dreams every night - it’s more like once or twice a week. I almost always wake up, then spend a half hour or so awake, trying to get my mind on to something else. Not great for sleep quality.

But in two of the last three nights, something has changed. My dreams about her were more pleasant - of good or happy memories. Last night’s was particularly vivid. As I got into bed, the cats joined me, as cats are wont to do. They’re not there every night, but often enough that I don’t usually notice all that much. This time, one climbed on top of me as he used to do to my wife when she was sleeping. I kind of laughed it off, and told him he finally decided to switch people.

But I guess that was enough for my unconscious mind to run with. The pressure there was reminiscent of having my wife’s arm around me. And the other cat was in a spot that was reminiscent of me holding my wife.

What I remember was dreaming of kissing her on the cheek, then asking how she got here. Even in my dream, I knew she had died. I don’t recall her talking to me, but I was caught up in things, marveling at having her with me again while knowing that this was impossible. Eventually, I woke up and confirmed that nothing had changed.

But it was nice to remember happy things again. And getting back to sleep wasn’t hard this time.

–Peter

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Profoundly moving. To tears.

And also tells me that you have begun to heal. When we repeatedly dream the same experience, and then it suddenly changes—a process deep inside us is speaking, reflecting a fundamental change that has taken place.

I had experienced that in a different context, years ago.

Our dreams can talk to us, and tell us how we are doing.

=sheila

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My cousins and brothers and I refer to this as the “haunting” that our moms have done with us. The dreams at first were so hard as to be unbearable. It took several weeks before the true nightmares unwound. After that they came less frequently and were more… normal, but still were about her final days and moments. And somewhere in there was the first dream of just regular life – her and Dad and my sister chatting about something mundane like what they were having for supper.

The nightmares and difficult dreams still show up without much rhyme or reason (it’s coming up on three years now). I find myself wide awake having relived some difficult moment about once a month or so. But many of the dreams are just normal life. I like those too.

ThyPeace, almost like having little bits of video of old times. Which, because mom was the photographer, we have very little of.

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I will admit that the dreams reliving her final hours have caused me to not want to go to sleep. I’ve picked up a bit of a habit of web surfing instead of going to bed.

Thank you for the good reminder that those unpleasant dreams will likely return. But until then, I’ve found it easier to go to bed at a semi-decent hour the last couple of nights instead of staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning. I’m probably still a bit sleep deprived, but I hope that acknowledging the source of the problem will help me work through it.

Trying to be dispassionate a bit, I find it intriguing that my cats could trigger memories just by being there. Us humans are strange critters, with even stranger brains. There’s so much we don’t understand there.

–Peter

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This isn’t OT at all.

I’d share what my story is, but you seem to be finding your way.
There will be ups and downs and sideways stuff.

As for me, (if anyone is interested) everyday, waking moments are filled with regrets and remembering the passing. Then I try to do my day.
How anyone gets passed this is a mystery to me.

I have had some dreams with my DH in it, and oddly I tend to ask him, why are you here? How did you get here?

nag

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How anyone gets passed this is a mystery to me.

My current working theory is that you never really get past it. You learn to live with it. And with time, you do a better job of living with it. I don’t know if that idea works for any one but me, but that is what I think I need to work towards at the moment. I’m not entirely sure I want to get past it. I want to remember her without falling apart almost every time.

I have had some dreams with my DH in it, and oddly I tend to ask him, why are you here? How did you get here?

That’s pretty close to my one experience so far. (Haven’t had a repeat yet.) It felt comforting to feel like I was seeing and touching her again, but confusing at the same time.

Dang it. Now the water works are starting again. At least the tissues are handy.

–Peter

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hugs to you
nag

hugs to you

And to you.

This losing your spouse thing sucks. It’s a club I figured the odds favored me joining. I just thought it would be in my 70s and not for my 60th year.

–Peter

everyday, waking moments are filled with regrets and remembering the passing. Then I try to do my day.

My two uncles both advised my dad that he should talk about his grief rather than bottle it up. Each of them had lost a spouse years before. I’d say they were right. Dad has done better when he’s been able to talk to us. Covid did not help that at first, but we have figured out better ways now.

ThyPeace, Dad’s brother and Mom’s sister’s ex-husband (and also Dad’s college roommate). People think blended families are a modern invention. Hah. They should have a look at my family tree.

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This losing your spouse thing sucks. It’s a club I figured the odds favored me joining. I just thought it would be in my 70s and not for my 60th year.

YEP and then let’s put the Pandemic (solitary confinement) into the mix.
Add on the unknown in the begining of this (senior shopping, leaving things outside, shortages of cleaning products and mask or not.)

My DH was gone about 8 months before that started. I can’t imagine going through this with an ailing partner or child. It surely was beyond difficult.

At the start of the Pandemic, I used to tell DH regularly (in the sky), you just wouldn’t believe this stuff.

nag

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My typo - 17 months give or take.
ah who cares

nag

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