bad start, good middle

DH got me awake at 4am. Then after breakfast he wasn;t very cooperative getting him washed up and dressed. He was meh aobut letting me brush his teeth and wash his face, but the rest–ugh. He ended up putting jeans on top of pj bottoms and no Depends. No shirt over his tee. And then he stepped on a glue board in his best socks, which I had to throw out (he had to try hard to do that–I have a couple out as the weather warms coz that means palmetto bugs may occasionally appear in the house at night–I hate those guys!). These were his best socks becacuse of the contrasting color on the sole, which makes it easy for him to put them on correctly. not so with most socks. which he sometimes puts on hsi hands anyway.

Anyhow, then he needed to pee so I took him to the bathroom and then went in the kitchen to do the breakfast dishes. Instead of peeing in the toilet, he made a big puddle right in front of the sink :frowning: I’m not usually so annoyed by it, but the cleaning ladies only come once a month and they were just here 2 days ago :frowning: I did something I never do–I yelled at him.

I felt grody from the cleanup and hopped right in the shower. As soon as I was out & dressed, my grandchildren Facetimed me. DGS played me the current piece he’s working on (violin)–which so happens to be one of my faves when I was a little older than he is and used as an audition piece. He loves it, too :slight_smile: Then he played the first violin part to Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony, his current fave piece in orchestra. Then DGD took over. She decided to use legos to build a wheelchair for her doll whose leg broke off. They’ll be taking it to the doll hospital when DD gets a chance, but meanwhile Camille has a wheelchair :wink: It’s fun t feel like I’m sitting in their bedroom with them. I LOVE Facetime! Partially makes up for living much too far from children & grandchildren.


Dear alstroemeria,

I don’t know how you do it. Although my father’s mind was mostly clear his last few years, he had some sort of denial related to incontinence and would not wear Depends until he was completely bedridden. He would only wear briefs that had some sort of pad in them that was meant for minor leakage.

For several years, I spent a lot of hours sniffing around the house to figure out where to spray enzyme cleaner – bed, carpets, chairs, etc. My father would remove his soaking wet briefs and clothing. Sometimes they went in the hamper; sometimes they were under the bed; sometimes on the bathroom floor. I regularly cleaned the passenger seat in his car. Family members kept asking to buy his car and I told them he was keeping the car because I didn’t want him peeing in my car.

I also spent a lot of time scraping dried fecal matter from his carpets. He often had an accident before he would make it to the bathroom. He would wheel his walker through it and track it around the house. He wouldn’t allow me to hire house cleaners even though he could afford it.

I loved the man very much, but I lost my patience a few times. I understand.

So glad you enjoyed the Facetime with family!


Big bro (the one who lives in NYS) is dissatisfied with his medical care now that he needs more of it and is planning to downsize/move. To someplace without icy sidewalks (SIL had a fall) and with great health care. So far they’re thinking about Maryland/Johns Hopkins. I’d love it if he moved here, but he said nyet to a red state. I asked if they were considering a CCRC. He said, wha??? He knows people who died of covid in a facility.

The hubster is 99% continent. He pees on the floor on purpose. Either coz he thinks it’s the right place or he can;t remember how to get to the bathroom and forget to get me to take him there every time. I put him in Depends coz I figure he’s gonna sleep through needing to pee sometime soon. Actually he has a couple of times–thank you, target imitation depends! He doesn;t seem to miss his underpants. Dayyam, I just bought him a fresh dozen not that long ago. Also he doesn’t really wipe himself–uses like 2 sheets of TP and doesn;t put it in the toilet .

My other brother, the one in the financial pickle, is gonna suck up a fair bit of my time near term. I’m planning to go with him & his aide to his bank and request 3-4 years of statements to see just what his business assistant embezzled and if he has anything auto-paid from those accts. And request POA for me for younger bro to make sure somethings get handled (elder bro will handle most of it in reality as he isn’t a full-time caregiver like me, but he’s not here and can’t come soon as he’s in process of getting health issues diagnosed…vertigo, tachycardia, thyroid…). And get younger bro signed up for Social Security (he’s 70)–I’m tired of reminding him. His aide offers to take him but it’s always “not today.” And figure out how to contact his broker to check on his IRA and start making withdrawals. He’s losing it mentally. His aide will be there to attest to it–we’ll get his dr to write a note if needed.

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I don’t know how you do it

Atoning for sins in a past life? or maybe this one?!

Do your brothers have any children? If so, what are their thoughts on helping out with their fathers? You’ve got your hands full as it is. I know that you want to help out a bit, but you also need to take care of yourself and not overextend yourself.

If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others.

Just know that I’m concerned, but I also know you’re compassionate. You will do what you can.


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My younger (local, robbed, in need of POA) brother was never married and has no children.

Elder bro has 2 married children and 3 grandchildren. His DD is a college prof on the other coast and his DS is a director of commercials (trying to make up for lost business during the pandemic)–his wife had a glioma removed from her brain about 16 months ago. She’s doing OK, but life expectancy something like 10 years. She’s only 40 :-(( They have a 3-yr-old.

Elder bro has 2 married children

OK. So they can’t drop everything and take over. But they can help in some ways. Try to give them smaller tasks they have the time or money to accomplish.

Maybe they can make a couple of phone calls. Maybe they can arrange for some fairly specific need to be delivered.

I’m sure there’s something they can do. Or is there some kind of estrangement getting in the way?


No estrangement. I don’t think anybody can help from a distance right now. Somebody needs to strong-arm younger bro into doing what needs to be done or get POA and do it for him. Elder bro is doing what he can–we have a relative by marriage who’s a lawyer and he’s spoken to him.

My son takes care of his GF w/health issues (they both are on leaves of absence from teaching, and they started a small business that requires a lot of time and has to be done in Massachusetts–and they were just here for a week a month ago). My daughter works for an NGO and is paid by foundation grant–and was the last person hired just before the pandemic so she’s cautious with work. She recently had covid and missed some time. Plus she took Christmas week and some of the kids February vacation off. She might bring the kids down here for Easter week, but likely will have to work 2 or 3 of the days. Her husband works long hours (cancer research) so she does most of the kid & household stuff. She also has a half-sister in Florida in dire health with a 6-month-old baby. That’s where she took the kids in February, where she took some of the load off her sister (severe heart condition that popped up during pregnancy–had to have the baby removed from her body at 24 weeks and have several surgeries…something like the inner walls of arteries separating from the outer walls? Anyhow, bypasses, stents, meds, still quite weak–I don’t know how she’ll cope with a crawling baby and then a toddler. Her husband works long hours to make up for some of her lost paycheck. If DD helps anyone with time & $$$, it’ll be her sister.

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Last night DH fell asleep as usual in his recliner, But this time I was unable to get him out of the chair and into bed after 3 or 4 tries. I eventually went to sleep at 10pm or so. He woke me when he came to bed ~11:30. And to pee ~2:30 and poo ~4:30, which is when he got up for the day. I dozed fitfully until 7:15 (while he was tugging the bedding this way and that), got up and fixed breakfast. When I walked into the kitchen, I stepped in wetness. He must’ve peed between the kitchen entrance and the mat in front of the sink. It wasn’t that wet any more and it didn’t smell (do I have covid?!?) but was yellow on the paper towels so it likely happened before he came to bed last night. Cleaned it up, moved on with my day. Luckily I could smell the coffee and lavender hand soap–no covid (whew). Sure wish I could adjust his circadian rhythm from 6pm–>4:30am to 8:30pm–>7am. Which is what it used to be like a year ago. I’m already fixing dinner a little later, but I think I need to try to push it to 6. WHich means he’ll fall asleep before dinner, but when that happens I can usually wake him to eat. Doesn’t sound all that useful, actually. Will discuss sleeping aid options w/neurologist (for someone with an atrophied brain, might be a good trick) to see if we can keep him sleep from 11-7. Of course, he might overflow his Depends then. And what abut the poo…

I took him to the bathroom to pee a few minutes ago. He still hasn’t come out…better investigate…s’OK. He had peed and done up his pants and was just staring at it. I patted him, said “Good boy!” and flushed it.

I hope I can get him to shower this morning. Last shower was last Tuesday, although he’s had a few abbreviated sponge baths and had his hair washed by the barber last Friday (yay!). Normally my aide would come this morning, but we’ll both be on younger-bro duty with the hubster in tow. She has another client at 1pm so can’t make it up in the afternoon. Hopefully we’ll get bro’s stuff done so she’ll be free to take the hubster tomorrow morning.

I also have to pick up a fresh bottle of finasteride (for enlarged prostate) for the hubster today or tomorrow (last pill is tomorrow’s). And groceries–which I guess I could also put off to tomorrow as we could have emergency rations for dinner (frozen shrimp stir fried w/chinese cabbage OR brats, sauerkraut & beans). Out of lettuce, but I could make quesadillas for lunch.

oh good–he’s swallowing his morning pills :slight_smile:

Why does he almost always poo about 4:30am?? I’m no longer giving him colace or probiotics, this is just him on his regular anti-constipation diet (coffee, fiber and yogurt) and his dratted circadian rhythm.

And…he just fell asleep. Not gonna get an early start today. But I can finally finish my (now cold) coffee and get dressed. I’m not eating anything—will be a stressful day.

Elder bro & I are both worried about our 2 siblings! I hope the stress isn’t contributing to his tachycardia. It must also be awful not to trust your medical care. If anyone can recommend doctors, especially a cardiologist, in the Montauk, Long Island area, please let me know. You’d think there’d be lots of great doctors in the Hamptons (about 15 miles west of Montauk, which is the Eastern tip of Long Island, south fork).

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Actually he likes his cardiologist. It’s his ENT/thyroid dr he isn’t so keen on. Apparently he has 3 goiterlike nodules (that sometimes press on his esophagus), but supposedly thyroid hormones still normal.

Given his vertigo and tinnitus, I wonder about Lyme Disease.

Well after texting and phoning most of the morning away, I need to get myself ready.

Younger bro was apparently up to 2am and still asleep. I give better than even odds that he won’t handle stuff today. grrr.

I don’t know how you do it

Atoning for sins in a past life? or maybe this one?!

LOL! I do know why you do it. It’s called love.

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My husband took care of me for years when I had Lyme and we didn’t know what was wrong with me. He drove me to work fr a couple of years (I fell asleep in the car) and drove me home (ditto), then I crawled into bed and he fixed dinner or picked up takeout on the way home. He did all the housework for a few years. And he had a busy job (software engineer). Eventually I adjusted to having low energy and aches & pains and became more functional (drove myself, went shopping, dealt with the kids).

I am waiting for the aide to let me know when they’re en route to the bank so we can meet them there. Oh–she just texted that he’s taking a shower.

Elder bro’s wife was an accountant (as far as I know the only accounting she ever did was bookkeeping for bro’s dental practice, but she knows way more than we do). If he were in good health, they’d be down here doing younger bro’s financial stuff.

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If anyone can recommend doctors, especially a cardiologist, in the Montauk, Long Island area, please let me know.

The closest I can come is to say that Stony Brook Hospital is a wonderful medical center, affiliated with the Stony Brook Medical School. That is about 70 miles from Montauk. But in looking that distance up, I discovered that there’s a satellite hospital, Stony Brook Southampton Hospital, that’s only about 25 miles from Montauk.

Stony Brook has a Heart Institute, which also provides services at Southampton (among other locations):
Southampton—Stony Brook Cardiology and Specialty Care
University Physicians at Stony Brook
676 County Road 39A
Southampton, NY 11968
Tel: (631) 702-8327



good news on the bro front!

His brokerage accts, IRA and regular, are intact :slight_smile:
He has $10k in bank acct(s).
He got a printout of the past year’s activity in the bank accts and access method to rest of the history. As a guess, $50-100k was embezzled.
His office is still there with the stuff in it.

He needs to find out if his asst closed the business. If so, he just needs to clean out the office and turn in the keys. But I bet not…and someone would need to be there to accept shipments, ship orders, handle the phone and email… No, NOT me. The office is messy, and I always sneeze there. And then shut down the business unless he wants to hire another assistant…

There’s an issue with his SS (I couldn’t quite understand what the aide was saying about it–is someone else already getting his SSI? they need to go in person, probably tomorrow)

Anyhow, should be able to set up a nice income stream between SS and brokerage accts. No need to change his lifestyle, such as it is…accessible apartment w/part time aide, leased car, plenty of restaurant meals & cable tv.

At least I already sold his house and dealt w/its contents :smiley:


Thx Sheila. It turns out he likes his cardiologist who is w/Stony Brook in Southampton :slight_smile: It’s his ENT/thyroid doc he isn’t crazy about. He also saw someone at Mt Sinai (NYC, for those outside the area-) and wasn’t crazy about them either. Meanwhile his kids will have a cow if he moves–they love having a big almost-on-the-beach house to visit for vacays where Daddy pays for everything…

Meanwhile I rushed home form bro’s bank as DH seemed to need a toilet. But he didn’t. Gave him crab cakes on arugula for lunch. If I can get him to pee soon, I’ll take him on errands as it looks like the aide will be helping bro w/SS tomorrow so I’ll get no time from her.

It’s his ENT/thyroid doc he isn’t crazy about. He also saw someone at Mt Sinai (NYC, for those outside the area-) and wasn’t crazy about them either.

Since he’s willing to come into the city on occasion, I have the perfect person. Wonderful wonderful endocrinologist at NYU—Steven Hodak. He now splits his time between NYU and Georgetown since his wife—a top virology researcher—moved fromm NYU back to the NIH (yes, for covid research). He has recently become DH’s endocrinologist, a cool coincidence as we had already met him socially, and are friendly with his in-laws. I can’t praise him highly enough. And he does televisits. I don’t know his phone number offhand, but call the Endocrinologoy department at NYU Langone. They’re on 41st St between 2nd and 3rd Aves.


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$50-100k was embezzled

hire another assistant
He’s obviously not competent to be managing an employee.

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He hasn’t even been to his office more than once or twice a year since he became too disabled to drive there himself. I offered to take him at fierst, and since then his aide has, but nope. He’s been gradually speaking to his assistant less and less as well. He used to love his business, but he’s become too inward-focused. Oh, he enjoyed making income from it without lifting a finger(!), but…I think that hip has sailed.

He used to love his business, but he’s become too inward-focused. Oh, he enjoyed making income from it without lifting a finger(!), but…I think that hip has sailed.

But if he hasn’t been involved in running the business for a good while now, and his assistant has flown the coop—I don’t see how it can still be a functional enterprise. A business can’t run itself.

What kind of business is it?


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