the price of early bedtime

DH never napped yesterday and fell asleep for the night ~5:30pm. He woke up for the day at 4am. Alas, I was up till midnight reading a book–I got engrossed, and I’m not one of those lucky people who can decide to go to sleep and make it so, although it’s usually tv/computer off ~10pm.

He’s mostly been futzing with the bedding, moving slowly around the bed and back, including on my side. I turned up the heat for his sake, but closed the bedroom door which sometimes discourages him from leaving the room. He opened it but didn’t go out. And now at 5:25 lying on top of the bedding. And he’s still warmer than I am lying under it with my side of the heated mattress pad cranked to 4!

Oh…he did awaken around midnight and let me pull his jeans off (he put them on over his pajama bottoms for the day yesterday-).

GOOD NEWS
He’s been peeing entirely in the master toilet for a couple of days now. I do need to take him there and flush for him. Extra-groovy since the cleaning ladies were here yesterday and won’t be back for a month.

Improving…asleep last night at 6:30pm and up for the day at 5. I was able to get him into fresh underpants & pj bottoms, but no luck removing his stinky long-sleeved tee he’s been wearing for 2 or 3 days :-/

Hoping to get him to an 8pm-7am sleep schedule, but staying awake till 8pm requires a nap on his part, which I cannot make him take. At least I went to sleep ~10:30 last night. He woke me around 2 (out of a dream–yay, REM sleep! I can even remember the last part of it) to pee and again around 4:30.

I put in his wash after dinner and forgot about putting it in the dryer till this morning. I think that’s the second time in my life I ever left laundry in the washing machine overnight. In my defense, I’m distracted as the temp went down to 25 last night, and I opened the cabinet doors in front of the bathroom and sink pipes after hubs went to sleep to help prevent freezing. And ran hot water at the most distant source twice during the night (when I got up to take him to the toilet) for the same reason. In the 20 years we’ve lived here, our pipes froze once, the night it got down to 19 degrees the first or second winter we lived here. 25 is the coldest it’s been in several years IIRC. A few good hard freezes like that are required to reduce the insect population, so I do like getting into the upper 20s a few times over the winter.

I don’t like having to get out of bed when it’s still dark out. I sure can’t eat anything at this hour other than coffee.

Ah, he’s dozing off… Peace in our time :slight_smile: He sits on his lap blanket and I’d like to put another one over him as the den is the chilliest room in the house, but doing so might wake him.

WEll, he broke his “winning streak” by peeing on the bathroom scale. Yes, way. It’s one of those clear glass flat ones. And some pee got on the bath mat next to the scale. I just washed it a few days ago but will have to redo. At least it wasn’t a huge puddle like a couple of the others. Gosh, if he’d aimed higher, he could’ve peed in the tub–much easier cleanup!

=alstro, getting some late night exercise

He desperately needed bathing, but I’d been unable to get him into the shower (day 6). Between our aide & me this morning, we got him into the shower (took close to an hour!). I finally left them to toothbrushing, shaving, nail cutting, and dressing to contact our area council on aging to see about additional help. Like a big, strong guy?

Defiance…sucks.

No, he doesn’t prefer sponge baths, though occasionally I can sneak a washcloth into his arm pits. He also isn’t shaving much lately. Unfortunately the only days our aide can provide such morning ablutions are Monday & Tuesday. So I’d like another aide for Th or F (perhaps a free one from the county).

He happily went off with her for a drive and out to lunch.

PS to Sheila–I bought your recommended Andalou lavender conditioner (and the matching shampoo). Smells heavenly! Used the shampoo on the hubster. Will try these myself next shower.

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…additional help. Like a big, strong guy?

My dad’s most effective aide was a small, pretty, young, woman. He’d do anything for her. :slight_smile:

…perhaps a free one from the county…

Crossing fingers that’s an option. My understanding is that Medicaid, in some states, does provide in-home aides, but you first have to qualify. Which requires jumping through some hoops, and is easiest done with the help of an eldercare attorney. But, the Agency on Aging is a good start.

Meanwhile, IIRC, your mother is affluent. Enough to cover her own expenses and then some? If so, maybe your brother (her PoA) could send you a bit, as an advance on your inheritance; or pay for an aide directly?

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Mom is living above her means these days (AL was below her means but nursing home is above)–but unless she lives to 110(!), should not run out (maybe sooner, depending on increases in facility charges). No help for me from that quarter. Or from bro–I would not even ask. To some extent he’s apparnetly still paying for his (40something married parental) kids, eg, he pays their airfare when they visit him or any other member of our family. I haven’t done that for my kids since they were a year or 2 out of college(!).

I have savings. I just don’t want to spend them down unless I have to (like I did to fix my kitchen cabinets, like I’ll have to to replace my 14-yr-old car). No idea how long the hubster will live–what if there’s another 10 years of this =8-0 He’s only 72 and in good health apart from his atrophying brain and enlarged prostate. And who knows what disability I might run into in future myself.

Until this defiance about bathing, I would’ve been happy with 2 mornings a week from our aide instead of one (alas, Mon & Tue are her onyl available mornings). But now I’d like someone for an hour every morning orf every other morning to bathe, dress, shave, & toothbrush him. Plus my fave aide to take him off my hands for a few hours/week so I can have a little private time to relax and accomplish certain things.

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…contact our area council on aging to see about additional help. Like a big, strong guy?

Or two. I’m glad to read this. Well…not glad you’re going through all this, but glad you’re reaching out for help.

1poorguy

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I can put up with a lot, but a stenchy husband…not so much. Now that he’s cleeen, I washed our bedding, including the electric mattress pad. I also put the waterproof pad I used for my mother under his side.

Even if I don’t qualify for free help, I will get more help. These shower/dressing tug-of-wars are the pits, and I’ve had enough. I donlt mind helping him shower and dress–not at all. But the fighting over getting his clothes off, getting him into the shower–I’ve had enough of that.

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He went to sleep at 8pm yesterday! Alas, he still woke up for the day around 5.

DS & GF arrived around 8:30 last night :slight_smile:

He went to sleep at 8pm yesterday! Alas, he still woke up for the day around 5.

But that’s 9 hours of sleep—or close to that, since I’m sure he was up to pee during the night. I think it’s hard to expect him to sleep more than that.

So glad you have your son’s company for now!

=sheila

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He usually sleeps 10 1/2 hours (minus pee time, random awake time, probably 9 1/2-10 hrs). He’s napping little or none lately.

PCP wanted to check his renal function so I took him to the lab for a blood test this morning. No go. He fought 2 techs and me, and won. No blood test–not even close.

I canceled his EEG. If he can’t even manage a blood test…

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PCP wanted to check his renal function so I took him to the lab for a blood test this morning. No go. He fought 2 techs and me, and won. No blood test–not even close.

I canceled his EEG. If he can’t even manage a blood test…

He seems to have entered a new phase—truculent sustained physical resistance when it’s something that—for whatever reason—he does NOT want to do. I wonder if the neurologist is going to want to prescribe medication to make that disappear.

=sheila

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He seems to have entered a new phase—truculent sustained physical resistance when it’s something that—for whatever reason—he does NOT want to do. I wonder if the neurologist is going to want to prescribe medication to make that disappear.

I thought the sertraline (zoloft) and olanzapine (anti-psychotic) were supposed to help with that. Is there something else?

Can you threaten him? If 1poorlady uses a harsh/sharp tone with me, I freeze to figure out what I did wrong.

I thought the sertraline (zoloft) and olanzapine (anti-psychotic) were supposed to help with that. Is there something else?

This is not an area I know anything about. I don’t know what the alternatives are, either for individual meds or combinations or dosages. But since this really seems to be a new pattern replacing his more agreeable behavior, I’d get in touch with the neurologist and let him know of the change. And discuss meds with him, reminding him of any negative reactions he had had to specific drugs and/or doses.

Good luck with this!!!

=sheila

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Can you threaten him? If 1poorlady uses a harsh/sharp tone with me, I freeze to figure out what I did wrong.

If only it would be so easy! :wink: You’re talking about rational, language-based behavior. Even if it’s based on tone of voice, there’s still a conceptual element to it.

=sheila

He seems to have entered a new phase—truculent sustained physical resistance when it’s something that—for whatever reason—he does NOT want to do. I wonder if the neurologist is going to want to prescribe medication to make that disappear.

That would hardly seem like a fair thing to do to an adult. He can’t talk back. He does have the right to resist things he doesn’t want done. It may be Alsto that has to capitulate.

At what point do you stop respecting an adult’s rights?

Alsto, that’s not to say you are not doing a great job, but things seem to have changed, and you may need to consider new tactics.

IP

He does have the right to resist things he doesn’t want done.

Does he? I don’t think so. Not legally. It would be a formality to get him declared incompetent (based on the descriptions we have seen), which would formally remove his rights. So, I suppose, legally until you go through that process, you are correct. But it’s a foregone conclusion, so she should really act as if she’s managing a toddler. A toddler has very few rights, legally. You really should only have to go the legal route if vast estates are involved. His refusing to bathe does not reach that level, IMHO.

IANAL, and this isn’t legal advice. But considering him to have “rights” isn’t going to help alstro, it’s just going to make it harder on her (and more expensive), to come to the same conclusion.

1poorguy

But considering him to have “rights” isn’t going to help alstro, it’s just going to make it harder on her (and more expensive), to come to the same conclusion.

Not sure why you should be assuming she will reach the same conclusion as you.

He is showing a preference to be stinky than clean. That’s not unusual or unique, if not my preference. It seems to be one of the things he can control in his life and he may be fighting for control.

He is refusing medical treatments. One of Dad’s good friends had a terminal illness and chose to go into hospice where he refused meds, food and water, much to the consternation of many. Why doesn’t Hubster have that same right?

He has been showing more understanding of what is going on, and perhaps expressing less desire to cooperate with it. It may be time to listen.

Seems to me there is a need to consider they may be at an inflection point. Things seem to be changing and it may be time for expectations to change as well.

It’s not easy.

IP

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I will admit to being biased.

There is a lot of Alzheimer’s in my family. I have discussed with DH my desire to kill myself before I become a burden to him or the kids, to change beyond the point where I am myself. I have seen it too many times.

DH pushes back, saying he is not OK with that. So I sit back and wonder just how much sooner than necessary I will have to kill myself to make sure I won’t miss that magical point where I no longer understand the ability to step in front of a moving bus. But I figure I will do it in a moment of lucidity.

Is Hubster having a moment of lucidity?

IP,
not looking to make things harder, but wanting people to THINK harder