This peeing is really getting out of hand.

I woke up at 4:30am, when he was about to pee on the bed. I grabbed the commode bucket and caught all the pee. OK!

I woke at 6:30, only this time he was already peeing on the bed :-/ Luckily only the quilt was wet so I tossed it in the washer. When I came back he obviously had more pee and peed on the sheets through to the mattress pad. So all those have to be washed. I put one of those across-the-bed waterproof things lengthwise on his side to protect the mattress. It did.

Well, no biggie, you’re thinking? Think again!

I normally wash our bedding every other Mon/Tue–whichever day Rhonda comes. Because of my rotator cuff/deltoid injuries, which have healed only partially, it’s not only painful for me to get the fitted mattress pad and fitted sheet on at the head end of the bed (because of the furniture next to the bed on both sides causes a pessimal reach), I can’t do a good job of it. Injuries from hefting my mother’s and brother’s wheelchairs into & out of my car when they were in assisted living and preferred me to take them on errands and appointments. In retrospect, I should have refused from the get-go. I eventually did. Although it hurt to do it, it didn’t occur to me I could injure myself doing that–no pain, no gain?!? A better aphorism is Too soon old, too late smart :-/

On top of that, I can’t find the hubster’s glasses. We have annual eye appts on May 26, but his frames were new last year–presumably the last ones he’d ever need. His eyes also don’t change for several years at a time, and I’m literally certain he doesn’t need a new prescription as he got a new one last year. Presumably they’re in the house somewhere, but I already looked hard.

Last night was odd. He fell asleep in his recliner in the den after dinner (~5:30 or so), as he usually does, but I was unable to rouse him to come to bed until around 8:30. And then he pulled away from me and lay down on the floor less than halfway to the bedroom. I’m not willing or able to pull him up off the floor against dead weight, so I left him there and came back every few minutes to try again. He never went back to sleep. The last time he must have opened his Depends to pee because his pj bottoms were wet. I eventually got him seated on his side of the bed and pulled the wet pj’s off. His Depends were somewhat wet too, so I tore them off. It took me awhile to get fresh Depends on him as he was lying down and not cooperating in my efforts. I got him sitting again, remembered to give him his 2 trazodone (to help him sleep longer), which he repeatedly spat out so I gave up. I finally got his fresh Depends on, and he was asleep by the time I mopped the floor where he had peed.

He slept till 4:30am–and without trazodone! The rest, you know.

I’m at the point where, if I could afford it, I’d probably tuck him away in a MC facility. There are 3 within 2 miles of my house, and 2 more within 4 miles, including one in a wing of my mother’s nursing home. Not really because of the pee issue, as annoying as that is(!), but because the hubster seems less and less like my beloved Jerry. He gives smiles and eye contact only rarely, even to me. He’s notably worse since DD & grandkids visited. Actually notably worse over the winter and early spring. Just the past few days he’s taken to whipping it out and trying to pee when he doesn’t need to. That hasn’t happened outside the home as I haven’t taken him anywhere lately, but it sure wouldn’t be good(!). Although without an erection, not that bad either(!). Not taking him on errands or walks, or even watching as I water my outside plants, is another reason keeping him at home seems less necessary. But $100/day for 4 hours of aide time is a heckuva lot less than “Memory Care,” making a light hit on savings rather than a heavy hit. I’m cutting back other expenses…no more cable (except for internet), no more organic food unles the price is very close to conventional. Not sure what else I can give up…I already cut my own my own nails, and since he’s uncooperative at the barber, back to cutting his hair as well. I only buy us clothing/shoes when something becomes unusable or need a different size. Alas, I finally ordered a new stove (I’ve had no oven for over a year), and a new dishwasher (mine’s been dead for months–I don’t mind hand-washing except when I have houseguests). My landscapers charge a lot but don’t do a lot, so I’m thinking about that, too.

Meanwhile, my randomly Mon or Tues aide (depending on which day my brother doesn’t have PT) means I can’t have another permanent Mon or Tue person. But Krystal, my W/F aide, is her daughter, and when she’s able will come on Tuesdays when Rhonda can’t come (Krystal already has a Sunday/Monday client). They know a fellow trustworthy caregiver who’s apparently tall and strong and will inquire whether she has Thursday availability. Somewhere I have the name and number of DH’s former occupational therapist who told me she moonlights on Saturdays as a caregiver.

Ah, he finished his breakfast (sort of) and dozed off in his recliner (we eat breakfast in our recliners–my preference). He woke up after just a few minutes’ nap. I got him to take his morning pills and pee in the toilet. Yay! After trying to pee again in the den <probably needs to poo but I couldn’t get him to go back to the bathroom>, he went back to sleep in his recliner.

Life in the dementia zone! (“You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!” - Rod Serling)

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Found his glasses :smiley: They were on the floor under his recliner–along with an anti-cray-cray pill (olanzapine) =8-0

aargh…I should’ve showered while he was napping…who knows when I’ll get another opportunity. At least I don’t need to go out and water today–it finally rained a bit yesterday. Not as much as expected, unfortunately. we’re having a pretty dry spring so far. It shows in the latest water bill (although that also included daily showers for DD, DGS, DGD).

I feel bad when my water+sewer bill is over $65 and when my electric bill is over $100–which it always is June-September. I do what I can to conserve, but extra loads of peed-upon laundry sure aren’t helping either bill.

It’s nice out–wish I could take a refreshing, head-clearing walk. Have to be satisfied with an exercise bike ride.

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This day is improving! He napped again, and I got a shower. I fixed a potato, onion, and fresh herb omelet for brunch–which we both enjoyed, and now he’s napping again. In between he peed in the den wastebasket (yes, a good thing–I was holding it up for him at the time).

The rate at which the challenges increase seems to be increasing regularly at this point! You’re living a defensive life now, constantly having to think ahead to what he might be about to do or not do that will cause problems, and see if you can prevent or diminish it. And as you also note, the pleasurable interludes are now rare. I’m so glad that you enjoy cooking as much as you do, so you have something positive in your life every day. And so glad hubster enjoyed your omelet. It sounded delicious!

In terms of the affordability of memory care, I had a sudden thought. You talk about your family, but never say a word about hubster’s family. I was wondering if there are enough caring family members on your side and his who could contribute to MC for him—add what’s needed to enable your resources to be put to that successfully. Is it a ridiculous idea? Or maybe a possibility?




Pleasurable interludes–I got several great smiles & eye contact yesterday. Not long after I posted about not getting them(!).

DH’s parents are long dead and he’s estranged from his only sibling who disapproves of his lack of matching religious belief. His father was an only child, and his mother’s family was across the country and he rarely saew them and was never in touch after childhood.

So, nobody on either side who would help. And I couldn’t ask anyhow. I can’t even persuade my younger brother (the disabled one who lives near me) to make a will. In SC, no will means your parents, if living, get everything. So Mom, who doesn’t need it, gets everything. If she’s gone, elder bro (who doesn’t need it-) and I each get half. Currently, that would double my savings.

I managed to get both trazodone pills into DH last night. He still woke up 3 hrs later to pee (caught it in the commode bucket), and again another 3 hrs later (but he was so confused he peed into his Depends while standing in front of the bucket). Now I’m wide awake!

The (few) people I know who help others financially in old age are helping their own spouses, parents, grandparents, or siblings. Not in-laws, cousins…

A neighbor, whose ex has Parkinson’s and tried a series of facilities, moved him into her house as the facilities were inadequate. She’s been unable to get his siblings to help pay for his care, and she says they can afford to help. By moving him into her house, his LTCI and own savings pay for most of the cost of aides, and she pays the rest.

I agree. Memory care is called for, based on her missives here.

Interesting idea about the husband’s family. Hadn’t thought about that.

I also continue to suggest consulting an elder attorney for options. An hour of his time would be a few hundred dollars well spent. Maybe she should divorce and make him a ward of the state? Maybe there’s a program we don’t know about? A specialist will know the options better than random (if well-intentioned folks like me) on a message board.



Maybe she should divorce and make him a ward of the state?

This is exactly what my mother did when dad completely stopped making any sense. She was able to get him into a church-run retirement home (They were religious and not affluent enough to afford a more luxurious accommodation. Dad was happy.) where he was able to live out his days in relative comfort (but not exactly luxury.) Mom visited him every day until she became bed bound due to cancer. He actually out-lived her by a few years.


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My mother’s in a church-affiliated (Lutheran) facility. It’s ~$10k/mo in the skilled nursing wing. She doesn’t need “skilled nursing,” but she needs more help than provided in he assisted living wing.

Why do they call it “skilled nursing” when they just need to bathe, dress, change Depends, roll patients over in bed to prevent bed sores, help them into/out of wheelchairs/recliners for the day and wheel them places? If they do a lousy job and someone gets bed sores, then it’s wound care and I see that as skilled nursing, but still…

Rhonda (my original aide, the one in her 50s who has worked for facilities and as a private aide within such facilities) says that in MC, they don’t help people eat. If the person can’t feed themselves, either loved ones come in and feed them, they get an order for a feeding tube, or they waste away. Srsly? What does $10k/mo pay for if not a few minutes of help with meals?! (I know, I know…it pays profits for owners & investors-)


Rhonda… says that in MC, they don’t help people eat. If the person can’t feed themselves, either loved ones come in and feed them, they get an order for a feeding tube, or they waste away. Srsly?

That is truly unbelievable!! When my father was in the dementia wing of an excellent nursing home in Rochester NY, he eventually lost the ability to feed himself and so the aide assigned to him for the earlier part of the day sat with him at lunch and fed him, and ditto for his evening aide. And that’s how it should be! I had no idea that there are facilities refusing to provide this essential care.